FUNTIME!

"FUN!"

"HEY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR LIPS"

"FUN!"

"HEY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR PANTS"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"HEY, I FEEL LUCKY TONIGHT"

"FUN!"

"I'M GONNA GET STONED AND RUN AROUND"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"LAST NIGHT I WAS DOWN IN THE LAB"

"FUN!"

"TALKIN' TO DRACULA AND HIS CREW"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"I DON'T NEED NO HEAVY TRIPS"

"FUN!"

"I JUST DO WHAT I WANNA DO"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"WE'RE HAVIN' FUN"

"WE'RE HAVIN' FUN"

"WE'RE HAVIN' FUN"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR LIPS"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR PANTS"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"EVERYBODY, WE WANT IN"

"FUN!"

"WE WANT SOME, WE WANT SOME"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR LIPS"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR PANTS"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

Tales of the Absurd #1

"The Near-Infinite Monkey Theorem (AKA The Post-Modern Prometheus)"

It was a dark and stormy night and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. At the edge of the Dune Sea, on the border with Pepperland, a golf ball sat embedded in the green cheese landscape. Unlike the average golf ball, this one was humongous, clad in a hockey mask and BDSM garb, the size of a small house like a mansion. This golf ball was home to a young boy named Sue, who had just turned infinite years old.

To celebrate Sue's birthday, his father Mary had given him the gift of virginity. Sue put on a smile and politely accepted the paper-wrapped box, but secretly he was displeased with the gift. Eventually, when his family wasn't looking, Sue offered his virginity to Aqua Lung, a bum who lived outside the golf ball. Aqua Lung, who held a perverse attraction to Sue's father, accepted the gift and took it with him to a dark alley, where he deflowered it.

While returning home from his encounter with Aqua Lung, Sue met up with a man; he was tall with black hair, clad in a black coat. "Your name is Sue," the man in black, whose name was secretly Randal Flagg, proclaimed. "How do I do?" Sue, who didn't know this man from Eve, clammed up with fear, unable to give answer. Randal, seeing he wasn't going to get a response, shrugged and moonwalked off.

Minutes passed. As Sue's golf ball appeared on the horizon, the ground beneath the ground began to tremble. The trembling was gentle at first, almost sensual, but then it grew faster, more intense, until Sue found it impossible to remain upright. As Sue fell hard to his knees, a hairy hand burst up out of the cheesy ground right in front of his face; the hairy hand was quickly followed by a hairy arm. In moments, a werecat clad in jeans and a red leather jacket pulled himself out of the hole, shaking and brushing the crumbs from his black-and-silver fur.

"Did a man cross your path, little boy?" the werecat asked, his voice that of a heavenly angel. "He was tall, with black hair and a black coat. He stole my moonwalk and I want it back."

Sue's mouth dropped ever-so-slightly agape. "Y-yeah, I did. He went that way." Sue pointed in the direction Flagg had gone.

"Ooooh-hoo!" the werecat whooped, his slitted yellow eyes alive with delight. "Shamone!"

At that the werecat disappeared into the Dune Sea and out of Sue's sight, on the trail for the man in black.

Sue finally arrived home. As he entered the golf ball, he was greeted by his mother, Frank. Frank wrapped her arms around Sue and French kissed the boy on the forehead.

"How was your day, vinegar?" Frank crooned in a sweet voice. "Have you played with your nice new virginity yet?"

"Yes, Mom," Sue replied. "It was firm but smooth, and very stimulating. However ...." His voice trailed off.

"What is it, vinegar?" Frank asked, the smile fading from her lips.

"That bastard Aqua Lung stole it from me!" the boy cried, feigning despair. "I tried to get it back, but he ran away from me before I could!" At that point Sue put on the waterworks, allowing crocodile tears to flow from his eyes to the tiles of the floor underfoot.

"Well now!" Frank declared, indignant. "It seems all those times your father crossed his eyes at that pathetic bum hasn't taught him a single lesson. I guess we'll just have to call the SS and let them deal with him this time around." She looked down at Sue and a reassuring smile came to her face. "Have no fear, Sue, my son. We'll get your virginity back."

"I hope so, Mom," Sue said, drying his eyes. "I love that virginity like a brother." Inside, though, Sue was cross; he was actually going to get his father's gift back, and nothing he could imagine could displease him more.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Ragnarok had drawn to a close ....

How I Learned to Stop Watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and Love Kristy Swanson

Some few years ago, I watched the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Suffice it to say, though Donald Sutherland was typically awesome and Kristy Swanson was athletic, sexy perfection, the movie wasn't all that great. It was, in fact, pretty mediocre.

Anyways, having seen the movie, I still had never seen the show. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV series) was a show I'd known about pretty much since its inception, but being one of those '90s kids who had no regular cable access and only got three (maybe four) channels through the ol' rabbit ears, it was a show I failed to catch during its initial run. Fast-forwarding to February of this year, I decided to finally check the series out (James Marsters was the biggest draw for me; I'd been impressed by his performances in Smallville and Andromeda, so I really wanted to see how he played the character Spike, knowing it was his most famous role).

And so it began, me starting out with -- of course -- the first season. At first I liked what I saw. Though Buffy herself -- played by the walking piece of dry white toast Sarah Michelle Gellar herself -- was bland as all get out (and don't get me started on Xander, the Living Hollywood Teenager) Giles and Willow were awesome and cute (respectively) enough to compensate initially, and I was interested in seeing where the main story arc was going. Unfortunately, by the sixth episode, my interest had already begun to wane. The cromulence of Giles and Willow proved insufficient to counter the overpowering vapidness of Buffy and Xander; Whedon's inability to write believable teenaged characters became evident and tiresome; and the one-dimensional characterization of the villains stoked the flames of my apathy. Once I got to the eighth episode -- the laughably bad demon-robot episode -- I decided that after I got through the rest of the season, I'd end things there; the meat-to-fat ratio was just too low to provide any incentive to keep me watching past that point.

Of course, that was about five months ago, and I still haven't watched those final four episodes. Lengthy February-through-March emotional issues + lack of desire = what's the point, really?

Coming up towards the end of this post, I'd just like to list the things which, had they been incorporated into the series, probably would've kept me watching:

• Willow as the main character
• Giles as the main character
• Kristy Swanson back as Buffy (Oh, but that girl is just so, so, so ... UNF!)

So, just to sum it all up for those irksome tl;dr people in the crowd:

*swoon*

*shrug*

Beautiful Woman of the Day #1

As someone who has an eye for beauty in general -- and is an admirer of the female form in particular -- I've decided that every now and then, I'm going to post a picture of a woman who I find attractive. I'm not going to post pictures of stripperific babes in slingshot bikinis or anything like that; things will be kept strictly tasteful.

So, to kick this show off on the road:

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

Ms. Newton-John was a lovely woman when she was younger, and she's still a rather lovely woman now (the puffy/waxy botox look notwithstanding).

Tales of the Absurd #0

EPISODE FU666

"MILKING & BEATING A DEAD HORSE/COW HYBRID"

***

ACT I

"My name is Homer J. Simpson. I like to eat and drink a lot. I'm also bald and fat."

"Homer, I, your gorgeous wife Marge, fantasize about you when I stroke my pussycat even though you are morbidly obese and never clean the smegma out of your foreskin. Regardless, I am putting you on a diet."

"I will start on this diet you speak of. But first I must watch the comedic stylings of the crusty clown."

"No. I command you to go for a walk in the park."

*ANNOYED GRUNT*

*TIME PASSES*

"What a walk I am going on! I can feel the poundage departing as I speak!"

"I, Jason Voorhees, who haunts this park, will kill you now."

*ANNOYED GRUNT*

*LOUD MURDEROUS NOISES*

"I have killed you!"

"You have killed me!"

ACT II

"Homer has not returned from his walk! Jason Voorhees must have killed him! I must contact the police so that I may have my revenge!"

*PHONES THE POLICE*

"Police Chief Clancy Wiggum, go to the park and shoot Jason Voorhees. I must have my revenge!"

"I am sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but I fell down reaching for my box of donuts and can't get up. You must seek help elsewhere."

"Very well. I shall."

*HANGS UP & PHONES SOMEONE ELSE*

"Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns?"

"I am Mr. Burns!"

"Mr. Burns, Jason Voorhees killed my husband, Homer."

"This name is unknown to me!"

"Homer Simpson, sir, the gastronomic leech who ostensibly operates out of Sector 7G of the nuclear power plant which you, yourself, own. He has been a source of  bemusement for uncounted seasons."

"Ah, yes, Waylon Smithers! I now recall this Simpson fellow!"

"Mr. Burns, sir, the police refuse to get involved. You must act in their stead."

"Very well. I know someone who can destroy Jason Voorhees. But first you must do me a favour."

"What is the favour you ask?"

"Various acts of penetrative and non-penetrative sex!"

"No, I am too wholesome for that. You may have sex with my two sisters instead."

"Are they comely?"

"Only from behind, with a pair of paper bags over their heads, in the dark."

"Though I am richer than God and can pay for the most beautiful whores in the universe, I agree to copulate with your hideous sisters! Jason will meet with swift retribution before the week is out!"

ACT III

*SOMEONE KNOCKS ON FRONT DOOR*

*OPENS THE DOOR*

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Simpson, I am Prof. Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men. I am here to aid you in your vengeance against Jason Voorhees."

"Oh, rapture!"

"I am sending my newest X-Man, Phenomena, to the park where Jason Voorhees is. She will defeat him."

"What are her powers?"

"She talks to bugs."

"A most potent ability!"

ACT IV

"I, Phenomena, in reality Jennifer Connel -- AHEM! -- Corvino, have been sent to the park to do battle with Jason Voorhees!"

"You will succumb to my chainsaw in a violent, grisly, fatal manner!"

"You will not kill me, Jason Voorhees! I possess a power -- the most powerful power of all! The power to control insects!"

"Bah! I kill crush your insects like insects beneath my feet!"

"Ah, but you forget -- even the most powerful insect in conventional existence bends to my every whim."

"Name this vaunted insect, child, if you can!"

"Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse! Betelgeuse!"

"It's showtime!"

"I am undone!"

*AWESOME ACTION BATTLE MUSIC*

""Betelgeuse has emerged victorious! Jason Voorhees is dead!"

"I am dead!"

ACT V

*SOMEONE KNOCKS ON FRONT DOOR*

"Yes?"

"Jason Voorhees is defeated."

"My Homer is avenged!"

*TIME PASSES*

"I am Bart, man, Homer & Marge's sociopathic son. Me and my boyfriend Milhouse --"

"Hi!"

"-- are performing a séance! We will summon Homer's spirit up from the netherworld!"

"I am the ghost of Homer Simpson, your father!"

"Cool, man!"

"Son, you must help me! I am in Hell!"

"Radical, dude!"

"Not radical! My punishment for a lifetime of sin is to be sodomized by the tormented soul of Frank Grimes for all eternity! I need you to come down here and get me out before I'm forced to admit I secretly like it!"

"Ah, Simpson, there you are! Be nice and come here right now and I'll use the lube gun before violating your rear orifice."

*ANNOYED GRUNT*

***

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR EP. FU666 2.0: "BART & HOMER VS. FRANK GRIMES IN SODOMITE HELL!"