22 July 2016

Tales of the Absurd #1

"The Near-Infinite Monkey Theorem (AKA The Post-Modern Prometheus)"

It was a dark and stormy night and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. At the edge of the Dune Sea, on the border with Pepperland, a golf ball sat embedded in the green cheese landscape. Unlike the average golf ball, this one was humongous, clad in a hockey mask and BDSM garb, the size of a small house like a mansion. This golf ball was home to a young boy named Sue, who had just turned infinite years old.

To celebrate Sue's birthday, his father Mary had given him the gift of virginity. Sue put on a smile and politely accepted the paper-wrapped box, but secretly he was displeased with the gift. Eventually, when his family wasn't looking, Sue offered his virginity to Aqua Lung, a bum who lived outside the golf ball. Aqua Lung, who held a perverse attraction to Sue's father, accepted the gift and took it with him to a dark alley, where he deflowered it.

While returning home from his encounter with Aqua Lung, Sue met up with a man; he was tall with black hair, clad in a black coat. "Your name is Sue," the man in black, whose name was secretly Randal Flagg, proclaimed. "How do I do?" Sue, who didn't know this man from Eve, clammed up with fear, unable to give answer. Randal, seeing he wasn't going to get a response, shrugged and moonwalked off.

Minutes passed. As Sue's golf ball appeared on the horizon, the ground beneath the ground began to tremble. The trembling was gentle at first, almost sensual, but then it grew faster, more intense, until Sue found it impossible to remain upright. As Sue fell hard to his knees, a hairy hand burst up out of the cheesy ground right in front of his face; the hairy hand was quickly followed by a hairy arm. In moments, a werecat clad in jeans and a red leather jacket pulled himself out of the hole, shaking and brushing the crumbs from his black-and-silver fur.

"Did a man cross your path, little boy?" the werecat asked, his voice that of a heavenly angel. "He was tall, with black hair and a black coat. He stole my moonwalk and I want it back."

Sue's mouth dropped ever-so-slightly agape. "Y-yeah, I did. He went that way." Sue pointed in the direction Flagg had gone.

"Ooooh-hoo!" the werecat whooped, his slitted yellow eyes alive with delight. "Shamone!"

At that the werecat disappeared into the Dune Sea and out of Sue's sight, on the trail for the man in black.

Sue finally arrived home. As he entered the golf ball, he was greeted by his mother, Frank. Frank wrapped her arms around Sue and French kissed the boy on the forehead.

"How was your day, vinegar?" Frank crooned in a sweet voice. "Have you played with your nice new virginity yet?"

"Yes, Mom," Sue replied. "It was firm but smooth, and very stimulating. However ...." His voice trailed off.

"What is it, vinegar?" Frank asked, the smile fading from her lips.

"That bastard Aqua Lung stole it from me!" the boy cried, feigning despair. "I tried to get it back, but he ran away from me before I could!" At that point Sue put on the waterworks, allowing crocodile tears to flow from his eyes to the tiles of the floor underfoot.

"Well now!" Frank declared, indignant. "It seems all those times your father crossed his eyes at that pathetic bum hasn't taught him a single lesson. I guess we'll just have to call the SS and let them deal with him this time around." She looked down at Sue and a reassuring smile came to her face. "Have no fear, Sue, my son. We'll get your virginity back."

"I hope so, Mom," Sue said, drying his eyes. "I love that virginity like a brother." Inside, though, Sue was cross; he was actually going to get his father's gift back, and nothing he could imagine could displease him more.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Ragnarok had drawn to a close ....

No comments:

Post a Comment