21 July 2016

How I Learned to Stop Watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and Love Kristy Swanson

Some few years ago, I watched the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Suffice it to say, though Donald Sutherland was typically awesome and Kristy Swanson was athletic, sexy perfection, the movie wasn't all that great. It was, in fact, pretty mediocre.

Anyways, having seen the movie, I still had never seen the show. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV series) was a show I'd known about pretty much since its inception, but being one of those '90s kids who had no regular cable access and only got three (maybe four) channels through the ol' rabbit ears, it was a show I failed to catch during its initial run. Fast-forwarding to February of this year, I decided to finally check the series out (James Marsters was the biggest draw for me; I'd been impressed by his performances in Smallville and Andromeda, so I really wanted to see how he played the character Spike, knowing it was his most famous role).

And so it began, me starting out with -- of course -- the first season. At first I liked what I saw. Though Buffy herself -- played by the walking piece of dry white toast Sarah Michelle Gellar herself -- was bland as all get out (and don't get me started on Xander, the Living Hollywood Teenager) Giles and Willow were awesome and cute (respectively) enough to compensate initially, and I was interested in seeing where the main story arc was going. Unfortunately, by the sixth episode, my interest had already begun to wane. The cromulence of Giles and Willow proved insufficient to counter the overpowering vapidness of Buffy and Xander; Whedon's inability to write believable teenaged characters became evident and tiresome; and the one-dimensional characterization of the villains stoked the flames of my apathy. Once I got to the eighth episode -- the laughably bad demon-robot episode -- I decided that after I got through the rest of the season, I'd end things there; the meat-to-fat ratio was just too low to provide any incentive to keep me watching past that point.

Of course, that was about five months ago, and I still haven't watched those final four episodes. Lengthy February-through-March emotional issues + lack of desire = what's the point, really?

Coming up towards the end of this post, I'd just like to list the things which, had they been incorporated into the series, probably would've kept me watching:

  • Willow as the main character
  • Giles as the main character
  • Kristy Swanson back as Buffy (Oh, but that girl is just so, so, so ... UNF!)

So, just to sum it all up for those irksome tl;dr people in the crowd:



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