Film Reviews #1

Here's another new feature I'm adding to this blog: film reviews. Here is where I'll give my thoughts on each of the last ten films -- feature-length and short films both -- that I have seen.

***

Pod (2015)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

Others who've seen this movie criticize it for focusing on the three main characters arguing instead of cutting to the chase and getting down to the paranormal stuff, but I didn't mind that at all; I thought it helped establish mood as the depths of the brother's mental instability were revealed, as the siblings became evermore disturbed by his erratic behaviour.

What let me down about the movie was the ending. It felt too abrupt, too half-assed, like the writer/director just shot whatever idea came to mind without fleshing it out/refining it first.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

I don't know what the hatching egg from the Alien poster's doing here. It doesn't show up in this film, and it certainly doesn't blow anyone's cabin up Independence Day-style.

6/10

Knick Knack (1989)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

Moderately amusing, but nothing to write home about.

Oh yes -- and I watched the original version featuring the pairs of double-D breasts.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

It's film-accurate, but doesn't give the viewer a sense of what the story's about. It fails to depict the snowman's love interest or convey the raging lust he has for her. (This movie sounds less-and-less like a Pixar production with every description I give it, doesn't it?)

6/10

Let's Scare Jessica to Death (1971)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

I liked the locale. I liked the nightmarish atmosphere. I liked Zohra Lampert's performance. I liked the ambiguity pertaining to the strange events which occur in the film. I didn't like that it wasn't ambiguous enough. (4/5 ain't bad, right?).

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

I love this poster -- it's just so surrealistically, nightmarishly gorgeous -- but it isn't exactly film-accurate. The scene pictured above does take place, just not with giant skeleton hands (a minor flaw on the movie's part, I know).

8/10

This Island Earth (1955)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

I rather liked Jeff Morrow as Exeter, and the matte paintings used to realize the world of Metaluna were pretty damn gorgeous. Unfortunately, the first half of the movie before everyone gets to Metaluna is pretty disinteresting, and the mutant's antics towards the end were more amusing than menacing.

This in the first time I've watched This Island Earth in its un-MST3Ked form. Once will probably be enough for me.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

It captures the imagery of the movie perfectly if not the (lacking) intensity.

 7/10

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

It's not as abysmal as I remember it being, but it's still a very poor movie. Had the story focused on the eldest daughter instead of the son, if she had survived, and had the film come to a close with the shootings -- thus excising that faux Exorcist garbage -- it could have been at least as slightly above average as the first film.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

The movie wishes it had this much subtlety.

4/10

Amityville 3-D (1983)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

I'd say this sequel was better than the one previous. Sure, many of the scares weren't really scary, the editing was iffy, and the ending was laughably stupid, but the actors gave decent performances (largely) and the "car fire" and "wet ghost" scenes were effectively offputting, so I'd say this sequel more-or-less lives up to the original.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

No, the giant, three-fingered monster hand doesn't show up in the picture. Instead we get the laughably stupid demon from the prior film back -- this time with fire-breathing action!

6/10

Titan A.E. (2000)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

(HERE THERE BE SPOILERS)

The good: Akima's character design.

The bad: the Drej's weak-as-piss reason for destroying the Earth; the tepid characters; the bland/cornball alien designs; the fact that there's nothing to stop the Drej from destroying New Earth, since its location doesn't appear to be kept secret (Or were the Drej supposed to have been completely wiped out by film's end? If that's the case, the damn movie certainly didn't make that clear.).

The ugly: the fusion of traditional animation with 3D animation. I just didn't care for the final result at all.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

Meh,

6/10

Oculus (2013)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

Early in the film, you get the impression that this movie is going to be a horror version of Rashōmon, with the sister and brother giving equal but mutually exclusive descriptions of the trauma they experienced as children -- she believing it was all caused by an evil enchanted mirror, he believing it was the result of more mundane phenomena. The movie does run with that engrossing idea -- for about the first twenty minutes; then it decides to dispense with any possibility that there could be a rational explanation behind their childhood trauma and completely goes for supernatural shenanigans.

The movie from there on out is still very good -- mixing the real with the unreal and the past with the present rather flowingly (though it does get to be a bit of a mess towards the end). Still, I think the film would've been better than good -- a true masterpiece -- if it had just stuck to ambiguity.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

Pretty ugly and unexciting, isn't it? Why can't artists design good posters for horror movies anymore?

8/10

Next (2007)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

I'd say this movie dishonours the name of Philip K. Dick by associating it with such cinematic swill, but Nic Cage's hair's a bird, so my argument's invalid.

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

While it captures the lame, generic atmosphere of the movie perfectly, it makes Jessica Biel look like Shakira and Julianne Moore look like a hybrid clone of Courtney Cox and Christina Ricci.

4/10

Balto (1995)

BRIEF, SYNOPSIS-LESS REVIEW

I have only two things in particular to say in regards to this movie:

1. Any movie which features talking animals shouldn't claim to be based on a true story (inspired, sure, but not based).
2. "No animals were injured or harmed in the making of this motion picture." Well, seeing as this is an ANIMATED film, that's bloody obvious!

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE POSTER

It depicts Balto with black-and-white fur instead of the brown fur he actually has in the movie itself. But ignoring that, it tells you everything you need to know about the movie without telling you anything at all.

8/10

Beautiful Woman of the Day #2

I plan on posting the first semi-substantial post in this blog sometime soon in the near-future. 'Til then ...

JENNIFER KORBEE

I was introduced to this woman's existence in late summer 2007, when I was first exposed to the American version of Hi-5, a kids' show which showcased a quintet of talented 20-something singers performing musical skits to a (presumably) live audience of children while high on sugar, caffeine, and presumably less legal chemical substances.

Going under the name Jennifer Peterson-Hind at the time the show was filmed, she was one of the three female cast members of Hi-5. She was also the one I found the most captivating and attractive, and her EXTREME!!! bubbliness kept me -- a mature man of twenty years -- watching the show for the next year or so (I only stopped watching after the reception on my TV got so bad that I could barely watch the channel it appeared on through the heavy snow.).

Since working on Hi-5, she's gone on to make bit appearances in movies (none of which I have ever watched (thus far)), appear on American Idol (I don't watch that trash, though, so I'm oblivious to her performance there.) and release a few albums. I listened to some of her songs, but they were too "modern mainstream" for my tastes, so I didn't bother exploring her musical career from there.

Though it'll likely never, ever, ever happen, I'd like to see a Hi-5 reunion TV special in the future. It'd be nice to see her sing ecstatically about pizza one final time.

FUNTIME!

"FUN!"

"HEY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR LIPS"

"FUN!"

"HEY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR PANTS"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"HEY, I FEEL LUCKY TONIGHT"

"FUN!"

"I'M GONNA GET STONED AND RUN AROUND"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"LAST NIGHT I WAS DOWN IN THE LAB"

"FUN!"

"TALKIN' TO DRACULA AND HIS CREW"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"I DON'T NEED NO HEAVY TRIPS"

"FUN!"

"I JUST DO WHAT I WANNA DO"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"WE'RE HAVIN' FUN"

"WE'RE HAVIN' FUN"

"WE'RE HAVIN' FUN"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR LIPS"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR PANTS"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"EVERYBODY, WE WANT IN"

"FUN!"

"WE WANT SOME, WE WANT SOME"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR LIPS"

"FUN!"

"BABY BABY, WE LIKE YOUR PANTS"

"ALL ABOARD FOR FUNTIME"

Tales of the Absurd #1

"The Near-Infinite Monkey Theorem (AKA The Post-Modern Prometheus)"

It was a dark and stormy night and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. At the edge of the Dune Sea, on the border with Pepperland, a golf ball sat embedded in the green cheese landscape. Unlike the average golf ball, this one was humongous, clad in a hockey mask and BDSM garb, the size of a small house like a mansion. This golf ball was home to a young boy named Sue, who had just turned infinite years old.

To celebrate Sue's birthday, his father Mary had given him the gift of virginity. Sue put on a smile and politely accepted the paper-wrapped box, but secretly he was displeased with the gift. Eventually, when his family wasn't looking, Sue offered his virginity to Aqua Lung, a bum who lived outside the golf ball. Aqua Lung, who held a perverse attraction to Sue's father, accepted the gift and took it with him to a dark alley, where he deflowered it.

While returning home from his encounter with Aqua Lung, Sue met up with a man; he was tall with black hair, clad in a black coat. "Your name is Sue," the man in black, whose name was secretly Randal Flagg, proclaimed. "How do I do?" Sue, who didn't know this man from Eve, clammed up with fear, unable to give answer. Randal, seeing he wasn't going to get a response, shrugged and moonwalked off.

Minutes passed. As Sue's golf ball appeared on the horizon, the ground beneath the ground began to tremble. The trembling was gentle at first, almost sensual, but then it grew faster, more intense, until Sue found it impossible to remain upright. As Sue fell hard to his knees, a hairy hand burst up out of the cheesy ground right in front of his face; the hairy hand was quickly followed by a hairy arm. In moments, a werecat clad in jeans and a red leather jacket pulled himself out of the hole, shaking and brushing the crumbs from his black-and-silver fur.

"Did a man cross your path, little boy?" the werecat asked, his voice that of a heavenly angel. "He was tall, with black hair and a black coat. He stole my moonwalk and I want it back."

Sue's mouth dropped ever-so-slightly agape. "Y-yeah, I did. He went that way." Sue pointed in the direction Flagg had gone.

"Ooooh-hoo!" the werecat whooped, his slitted yellow eyes alive with delight. "Shamone!"

At that the werecat disappeared into the Dune Sea and out of Sue's sight, on the trail for the man in black.

Sue finally arrived home. As he entered the golf ball, he was greeted by his mother, Frank. Frank wrapped her arms around Sue and French kissed the boy on the forehead.

"How was your day, vinegar?" Frank crooned in a sweet voice. "Have you played with your nice new virginity yet?"

"Yes, Mom," Sue replied. "It was firm but smooth, and very stimulating. However ...." His voice trailed off.

"What is it, vinegar?" Frank asked, the smile fading from her lips.

"That bastard Aqua Lung stole it from me!" the boy cried, feigning despair. "I tried to get it back, but he ran away from me before I could!" At that point Sue put on the waterworks, allowing crocodile tears to flow from his eyes to the tiles of the floor underfoot.

"Well now!" Frank declared, indignant. "It seems all those times your father crossed his eyes at that pathetic bum hasn't taught him a single lesson. I guess we'll just have to call the SS and let them deal with him this time around." She looked down at Sue and a reassuring smile came to her face. "Have no fear, Sue, my son. We'll get your virginity back."

"I hope so, Mom," Sue said, drying his eyes. "I love that virginity like a brother." Inside, though, Sue was cross; he was actually going to get his father's gift back, and nothing he could imagine could displease him more.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Ragnarok had drawn to a close ....

How I Learned to Stop Watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and Love Kristy Swanson

Some few years ago, I watched the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. Suffice it to say, though Donald Sutherland was typically awesome and Kristy Swanson was athletic, sexy perfection, the movie wasn't all that great. It was, in fact, pretty mediocre.

Anyways, having seen the movie, I still had never seen the show. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV series) was a show I'd known about pretty much since its inception, but being one of those '90s kids who had no regular cable access and only got three (maybe four) channels through the ol' rabbit ears, it was a show I failed to catch during its initial run. Fast-forwarding to February of this year, I decided to finally check the series out (James Marsters was the biggest draw for me; I'd been impressed by his performances in Smallville and Andromeda, so I really wanted to see how he played the character Spike, knowing it was his most famous role).

And so it began, me starting out with -- of course -- the first season. At first I liked what I saw. Though Buffy herself -- played by the walking piece of dry white toast Sarah Michelle Gellar herself -- was bland as all get out (and don't get me started on Xander, the Living Hollywood Teenager) Giles and Willow were awesome and cute (respectively) enough to compensate initially, and I was interested in seeing where the main story arc was going. Unfortunately, by the sixth episode, my interest had already begun to wane. The cromulence of Giles and Willow proved insufficient to counter the overpowering vapidness of Buffy and Xander; Whedon's inability to write believable teenaged characters became evident and tiresome; and the one-dimensional characterization of the villains stoked the flames of my apathy. Once I got to the eighth episode -- the laughably bad demon-robot episode -- I decided that after I got through the rest of the season, I'd end things there; the meat-to-fat ratio was just too low to provide any incentive to keep me watching past that point.

Of course, that was about five months ago, and I still haven't watched those final four episodes. Lengthy February-through-March emotional issues + lack of desire = what's the point, really?

Coming up towards the end of this post, I'd just like to list the things which, had they been incorporated into the series, probably would've kept me watching:

• Willow as the main character
• Giles as the main character
• Kristy Swanson back as Buffy (Oh, but that girl is just so, so, so ... UNF!)

So, just to sum it all up for those irksome tl;dr people in the crowd:

*swoon*

*shrug*

Beautiful Woman of the Day #1

As someone who has an eye for beauty in general -- and is an admirer of the female form in particular -- I've decided that every now and then, I'm going to post a picture of a woman who I find attractive. I'm not going to post pictures of stripperific babes in slingshot bikinis or anything like that; things will be kept strictly tasteful.

So, to kick this show off on the road:

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

Ms. Newton-John was a lovely woman when she was younger, and she's still a rather lovely woman now (the puffy/waxy botox look notwithstanding).