Revamp of the Jedi/Cavewerewolf/Masters of the (Parallel) Universe/Tim Sizemore in "The Grave Stalker"/I, Norman Bates

Had myself a dream where I watched footage from an early cut of Return of the Jedi. Here’re the details I recall from the dream:

• Luke had a different lightsaber. It was mallet-shaped, with a red blade.
• There was a scene of Luke slaughtering Ewoks.
• The big plot twist wasn’t that Leia was Luke’s sister, but that Darth Vader was actually his grandfather. Luke’s actual father had never fallen to the dark side; he might not have ever even been a Jedi.
• “Anakin” was played by Mark Hamill himself.

Here’s what Mark looked like in the old-age makeup:

* * *

An archaic human

(a Cro-Magnon, a Neanderthal, or a hybrid between the two)

became a werewolf.

The details escape me, but he wasn’t an animalistic killing machine; he retained his human intelligence and used his lycanthropy only in defense of his tribe.

* * *

Godlike entities transported myself and a number of other individuals to another planet/universe. Once there, we became overlords in possession of advanced technology.

I befriended one of my fellow overlords

(She resembled Suzanne Vega, but was curvier.)

and began hanging out at her citadel/supermarket, where I drank an entire pitcher of ice-cold milk which was just divine. She and I eventually entered into an intense romantic/sexual relationship.

Then she, I, and the other overlords were transported back to Earth, along with our advanced citadels.

* * *

I watched a horror/thriller starring Tom Sizemore.

Sizemore’s character was a real piece of nasty work; he volunteered at a soup kitchen only to deliberately contaminate the food with soap, rancid fat, and other unmentionables; he was a grave robber; and it was heavily implied he was a sexual predator who had molested his own daughter.

As I recall, the plot was about him stalking a beautiful woman who happened to live next door to his favourite cemetery.

* * *

Norman Bates and I had been combined into a single person living during the early '80s.

I wish I could describe this dream in detail, but it’s too convoluted to make sense of. All I can say with certainty is that the mummified corpses of Norma Bates and one of my victims looked incredibly cheap — like “gray alien rag doll” cheap.

Also, Susan Clark made an appearance.

Labyrinth of Legends

Once upon a time, there was the Earth.

And on the Earth was Man.

And Man had dominion over every beast in the field and bird in the air and fish in the sea.

Then Man breached the barriers between the Earth and Todash Space,

and the demoniac hordes were loosed upon the Earth,

and the Earth was made waste and empty.

Then the Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea sent his son, Aslan,

to renew the face of the Earth. Aslan planted a glen in the midst of the Waste Lands, and taking the last of every wondrous and holy creature, filled it, setting bars all along the Glen to shield it from the Todash monsters and their minions.

A young maiden was brought to the Glen stables,

(We'll call her Sarah-Lily.)

where she was put in charge of caring for the sacred unicorn, last of its kind.

Sarah-Lily, entranced by the unicorn's purity, came to love the creature.

In the Waste Lands, in the Dark Kingdom, there reigned Jareth — Dark Prince of the Goblins.

(And a million fangirls cried out in pleasure and suddenly climaxed.)

Jareth came to know of the unicorn and the magical powers it wielded. Coveting the beast, Jareth set about appearing in Sarah-Lily's dreams. Speaking to her in velvet tones, he promised all his love and his glory to her if she would but take the unicorn from the Glen and ride out upon it to his castle.Very innocent, just as naive, Sarah-Lily succumbed to Jareth's charm and fell deeply in love with the Dark Prince. Doing as her beloved requested, Sarah-Lily saddled up the unicorn and took it from the stables. A stable boy

(I was wondering when I was supposed to appear in my own dream.)

noticed her slip out with the unicorn and decided to see where she was off to. Keeping himself hidden, the stable boy followed her as she rode through the Glen, out the gate, into the Dead Wood.

Travelling along the path through the Dead Wood surrounded by overgrown, lifeless trees which choked out the very sky, Sarah-Lily soon saw Jareth in the distance. Jareth, atop a black Clydesdale steed, held aloft a scepter bearing a crystal globe scintillating with silver light. As Sarah-Lily slowly approached her prince, mesmerized in his physical presence, the stable boy emerged from cover of the underbrush and ran up to the maiden. Shouting at her, cursing her, he managed to rouse her from Jareth's spell. No longer bewitched by the Dark Prince, she turned right 'round and kicked the unicorn into a full gallop back for the Glen.

Sarah-Lily managed to get back to the safety of the Glen grounds, but the stable boy wasn't so fortunate. Without the speed of a steed to assist his gait, he failed to make it to the gate in time before Jareth called on his magic to close it, sealing the boy off from sanctuary. Chanting an incantation, the Dark Prince cast an unbreakable sphere of solid vacuum over the boy, sealing his fate.

Trance Loses Her Hair/The Orgy on Ferenginar/Don't Buy This Product!!!

Trance Gemini and Seamus Harper from the TV series Andromeda were on a ship stranded in a pocket universe.

(As is wont to happen with my luck, it was Gold Trance, my least favourite incarnation of the character.)

Since this pocket universe was so minuscule, there were very few stars present inside it. This proved detrimental to Trance, as being the living incarnation of a sun, she needed long-term proximity to stellar bodies to remain healthy.

Growing progressively weaker the longer they spent trapped in the microcosm, Trance's hair started falling out.

(You won't see me mourn that rat's nest.)

She gave a lock of it to Harper, asking him to weave it into his own hair.

(While the dream trailed off there, I like to believe that Harper and Trance escaped the pocket universe off-screen, culminating in her transformation back to her former, perfect purple self.)

* * *

On the world of Ferenginar, most of the Ferengi — bodies slathered in silver body paint

— were engaged in a worldwide orgy.

(Lots 'n' lots of oo-mox. Ooh yeah!)

Then the Cardassians arrived. A large invasion fleet at their command, they conquered Ferenginar with next to no resistance. Once their ships landed, the Cardassians began rounding half the Ferengi population up for transport to offworld internment camps. The remaining Ferengi? They began having consensual sex with their new Cardassian overlords right away. One of the Ferengi being hauled off called this action a "rank abomination".

* * *

My parents bought a purple cleaning product advertised in an infomercial.

Unfortunately, the stuff proved too caustic; it began eating holes in the floor soon upon application.

Furthermore, the seller of the product turned out to be the thrall of a skeletal female vampire.

From the Dream Archives: My Multiversal Odyssey, Co-Starring Jennifer Connelly, Kurt Cobain, & Deborah Harry

(ORIGINAL ENTRY DATE: 4 DECEMBER 2014)

Had two separate dreams. One was relatively normal, the other ... not so much.

In the first dream, I met and got to know Jennifer Connelly. In this dream universe, she was an artist.

(As she is art, I find that most redundant.)

Together, we designed an album cover for an album one of us was putting together. Then we made a short film together.

I then accidentally sat on the LaserDisc it was burned to and it broke into the shape of Batman's emblem.

(And here's a photo of Batman '89 on LaserDisc for your viewing pleasure.)

Finally, at the end of the dream, she kissed me.

(She had nice, full lips.)

The second dream was far more surreal and abstract. It involved me evading robbers robbing a video rental store

(Here's what I think of your 1-day rental policy, suckers.)

and gangstas going on a shooting spree

(Who pissed in their Colt 45s?)

to travel into alternate futures and realities to prevent something of Lovecraftian proportions from happening to the world.

(Obviously, I failed.)

I think Deborah Harry was my spiritual guide in this dream. I also met Kurt Cobain, who had never really died but became some kind of crazy Hindu-like ascetic who'd taken a pair of nuns on as wives.

The dream came to an end with me having to choose one of a countless number of dimensional portals to step through. The right portal would return me to Earth in the proper place and time while the others would leave me stranded in other worlds and/or times with little to no possibility of escape.

(Quinn & co. had it easy.)

Plan Deep Space Nine from Inner Space

It's 2017, people. The abomination known as 2016 AD/CE is finally dead, and long may it rot. In celebration of its much-belated demise, here is the last significant dream I had in that cruddy year!

* * *

Had myself another Star Trek dream. It took place during the Dominion War, before Jadzia Dax's death.

(She may have left this world, but not our hearts.)

The premise was this: For the last several decades/couple centuries (the dream wasn't clear which), an offshoot of the Federation of Planets had been living within a pocket universe in self-imposed exile. With the coming of the Dominion War, they'd decided they wanted to return, rejoin the Federation, and help them out in their struggle against the Dominion.

Assuming the role of an anonymous goldshirt who had the hots for Jadzia,

(We would've been able to make it work, too, if it wasn't for that meddling Worf.)

I accompanied Sisko, Jadzia, Bashir, and a security team to a neutral, uninhabited planet to meet with the representatives of the Offshoots.

Once we were there, we were almost automatically attacked by Offshoot ships. Taken prisoner, we were sent into the pocket universe to the Offshoot capital world, where we learned the Offshoots' true plan was to conquer the Federation and absorb it into their own compact empire.

Some weird metafictional crap then went down. We were placed in a watery cell, 

but it really was just a shallow tank on a set with cameras trained on us.

"Could you be faster, Avery? More intense?"

"..."

Then the tank was a waterlogged wooden floor, which I laid upon and slapped to produce the in-camera sound effects.

We then found ourselves in a small room, where we found a twelve-year-old boy sitting at a table under a solitary bright light furiously cutting and trimming photographs out of magazines.

(I like him already!)

When we asked him if he was putting a collage together, he told us that while the Offshoots sometimes allowed him to glue clippings into a scrapbook, for the most part they were just forcing him to aimlessly cut the pictures out for hours on end as a form of psychological torture.

The dream got hazy from there. There was something involving an evil bulldog alien, a large cardboard box full of Simpsons comics, and Sisko being distantly related to the Offshoot ruling family, but nothing concrete and nothing I can recall past that point.